A Comprehensive List of Every Cursed Plot in Season 7 of Gilmore girls

Does it bother me that 'girls' isn't capitalized in the show's opening credits? Not sure.

Warning — spoilies abound.

Artist rendering of me typing on my Notes app while watching Gilmore girls in preparation for this substack.

If you’ve opened this email, then it probably goes without saying that season 7 of Gilmore girls is one of the most cursed things to happen on television.

CURSED!

I’ve used Google to learn that this is because ASP quibbled with the show’s cursed new network, the CW, over needing a season 8 and more writers on staff, which they denied — resulting in ASP’s departure (Boo!), and, of course, a trainwreck’s worth of plot decisions that somehow needed to be resolved in 22 episodes by a different writer.

Now — it was ASP who STARTED the curse, as season 6 is teeming with horrors; after all, it was SHE who had Lorelai spend the night with Christopher minutes after “ending things” with Luke, which, after watching that scene twice, does NOT feel like a clear “ending things” at all. But, would she have married Lorelai off to Christopher??? I’m not sure. Publicly, ASP has apparently kind of pretended that S7 didn’t happen, and has only called out one of my cursed plotlines as, indeed, being cursed, which I will get to below.

Before I begin, some background

Some of you may be familiar with my journey where I am watching GG straight through for the first time. Although I began this journey midway through season 3, I am still immensely qualified to take on this analysis.

The thing that affronts me the most about season 7 is that I had to endure seasons 5 and 6 just to get there, which are also incredibly trying, as they cover what I’ve seen Reddit call “the Entitlement Years” — aka Rory Gilmore’s Villain Era — as WELL as Lorelai and Luke’s two breakups.

The TL:DR version of this post lies in this one opinion: Making us wait 5 seasons for Lorelai and Luke to finally get together? INCREDIBLE. Wasting the show’s entire final season on Lorelai and Luke being split up? CURSED.

***BTW I just need to give a big S/O to Regan for gifting me with this perfect adjective, with these texts: “The introduction of Luke’s long-lost daughter? Cursed. The introduction of Gigi Christopher’s daughter? CURSED.” ***

Alrighty then let’s break this shit open.

Cursed Plot #1: Christopher (puke) Hayden

I mean — where to begin? There are countless things about Christopher that give me the ick: the fact that he calls Lorelai “Lor” and Rory “kiddo”; the snotty way he says “that’s nice” whenever he’s having a tantrum to “Lor”; his obsession with “plasma flat screens”; the annoying, giddy way he reminds people he’s rich (most notably when he bribes the staff of a Parisian restaurant to open for dinner at 5 am and when he ends the Stars Hollow knit-a-thon by donating all 7k necessary to fix the bridge); his skinny scarves; his dog-peeing-to-mark-territory “love” for Lorelai; his chest hair that I am forced to see, followed by the horrific line “Let’s make a baby”; his daughter, “Gigi,” who, by the way, has a name annoyingly akin to “Gilmore Girl”; his keenness on just straight dipping anytime any problem arises; and any time he says or does anything.

The fact that we spend over half of the season with this man is nothing short of CURSED, and was the reason I kept pressing the skip-ahead-10-seconds-button in the season’s first 14 episodes just so I didn’t have to deal with him.

Cursed Plot #2: Lorelai and Luke’s Weird Reconstruction of Reality

Maybe this is supposed to be an in-character coping mechanism for both of them, but to me, the way that they both re-write the narrative of their relationship is extremely strange and annoying to watch. For Lorelai, it’s insisting to anyone who will listen that Luke didn’t want to marry her; this is simply not true, and it bothers me that none of the people closest to her call her out on it. Despite what Lorelai says, nothing we saw in season 6 related to Luke/Lorelai/April was proof that Luke didn’t want to marry her, though it absolutely pointed to other things — for example, when Luke tells Lorelai in S6 that he’s afraid of introducing her to April because April will like Lorelai more than him, I was like, ok now this is interesting psychological territory. Is it ever picked back up? Of course not! And then, in the beginning of S7, when Luke literally shows up at Lorelai’s house the NEXT DAY after their fight saying she’s right and he wants to do this, she still goes around all season telling everyone that Luke didn’t want to marry her.

Now Luke, on the other hand, starts going around saying that he and Lorelai were never meant to be. He even tells Lorelai this to her face, along with, “You were always meant to be with someone like Christopher,” which, thanks to Lauren Graham’s A+ As Always Acting, you can tell is like the worst thing he could have said to her. What bothers me about Luke’s narrative is that it A.) writes off their entire relationship as a lie / waste of time, B.) is a way for him to avoid telling Lorelai how betrayed he feels, and C.) negates any reason for either of them to take responsibility for how things went down — and I don’t even mean to each other, but at least privately or to other people in their lives, which would make for some interesting conversations. Luke’s narrative bothers me less than the shit Lorelai’s pulling, but it still falls flat with fans who remember his “I’m in. I’m all in,” lines in S5, and who would prefer to see him feeling crushed than blasé. (It’s me, I’m fans.)

Cursed Plot #3: Lane’s Lone, Singular Time Having Sex Resulting in Pregnancy With Twins

Ugh, God. This is that one plotline that ASP admitted to being bummed about. Don’t blame her! As you’ll learn as this email goes on, the only things the S7 writers considered to be plots were “marriage” and “pregnant.” Great!

The thing that sucks the most about the Lane-pregnant plot is that it overshadows the more interesting one, which is that Lane had sex one time, hated it, and is convinced that women who claim to enjoy sex are lying. Like, whoa, what? Can we unpack that? No! Because it’s 2007, a year therapy and abortion apparently don’t exist. I don’t like the way Rory immediately assumes Lane is going to just have this kid at 22, when Rory herself is spending every other episode getting all worked up that she doesn’t know what she’s doing after Yale. Rory! You have a million options and you are telling your bestie her ONLY option is MOTHERHOOD!

Then, we needed to take this whole nightmare a step further, by saddling Lane with not just one baby (BORING! One baby is for OLDER, more FINANCIALLY STABLE adults in the show!) but TWO!

The whole having-twins thing also sets up other bummer plots for Lane’s life, including that her loser husband Zack (don’t even get me started on him), has a line POST BIRTH where he says “Ginger ale for you, Mom?” to Lane at a bar, and that she gets to stay home with newborns for two months while Zack goes on tour. Justice for Lane!!!

Cursed Plot #4: Lorelai / Christopher Elopement in Paris

………………..

I needed time before getting to this one. The curse is just too strong. Unfortunately I won’t be saying anything else about this plot at this time.***

***The only — ONLY — thing that could lessen the curse of this plot would be if someone were to acknowledge that Lorelai’s decision to marry Christopher is really just a symptom of her love for Luke and the weight she gives to his opinion of her; liiiiiike, remember when he told her she belonged with Christopher? Kind of twisted where that leads her, no???

Cursed Plot #5: Baby Named Doula

I fucking can’t with this shit. Again, in GGS7, baby is plot, and because TJ and Liz are who they are, baby gotta be named Doula and we all just gotta deal with that all season.

Cursed Plot #6: Logan Huntzberger

You thought I would only curse the entirety of one character? NO. Logan is also cursed. Always has been, always will be: his laziness; his lackadaisical attitude toward his wealth; his “drinks with the boyz"-type friendships with that British guy and the other guy; his eerily prophetic prediction of cryptocurrency; his smug smile; his toxic family (they alone are reason for Rory to ditch his ass!!); his Chad Michael Murray hair without the Chad Michael Murray face; and you know what else I don’t like? I don’t like that he calls Rory “Ace.” It’s condescending, no? Like, you’re not her baseball coach.

You know what else is condescending? The way he talks to Lorelai. I’ll also never understand why Rory took Logan back after the way he treated Jess (con!de!scending!), or why Logan-Rory is ever shipped at all; but, their relationship falls under my inability to understand what the show’s stance on wealth even is.

Cursed Plot #7: April’s Appendicitis

This was so weird. You know why it was weird? Because the only reason it exists is as a device to get Luke to see Lorelai’s wedding ring (when she shows up at the hospital in support), and because it’s just supposed to cement Luke as “Father.” We get it! He’s a dad, he cares for his child, and umm wtf is that on Lorelai’s finger. This leads me into our next cursed plot:

Cursed Plot #8: Luke / Anna Custody Battle

Honestly? It’s boring. It’s a boring plot that is, again, a mere device to cause conflict elsewhere, namely, with Lorelai and Christopher, when Christopher finds the character reference Lorelai wrote for Luke (which I was happy gets read aloud and is lovely). What *would* make this plot interesting would be to see the strain it might put on a Luke / Lorelai partnership… perhaps we would get another Anna / Lorelai scene (I liked the way their experiences mirror one another, and they’re clearly supposed to, since their daughters are very similar, and Luke became involved in Rory’s life at around the same age)… but those are INTERESTING plots, not CURSED ones, so I need to move on.

The thing is, what Luke is asking for isn’t nearly as unreasonable / improbable as everyone makes it out to be — but the show doesn’t exactly depict what would really happen in this scenario, which I asked my legal-speak family members about. Unless I missed it, though April gets a DNA test that proves Luke is her father, no one ever legally establishes paternity — which is something that happens in court and that Luke would basically win with no issue. Along with establishing paternity, Luke would ask for “reasonable placement,” i.e., the weekend every other month and six weeks in the summer that he’s asking for. It’s actually Anna who’s in the red here, because if paternity is established, you literally can’t move a kid out of state without the other parent saying it’s okay.

Essentially the scenario doctored up by the show isn’t how it would go down — IRL, Luke wouldn’t try to get placement of April without legally establishing that he is her father. And if he’s legally her father, regardless of the little time he has known / spent with April, he’d be entitled to see her.

Cursed Plot #9: Marty Pretending Not to Know Rory (And Rory Going With It)

While it’s nice to see Rory finally make friends with women who aren’t her former nemesis or her kindergarten bestie, overall, the presence of Lucy and Olivia is cursed, as their characters are mostly a vehicle to re-introduce classic “nice guy” Marty. When Rory “meets” Marty as Lucy’s boyfriend, he goes, “Nice to meet you!” because he’s, idk, psychotic?? My favorite Logan moment of the entire series is when he tells Lucy the truth over a double-date dinner, which ends up being lame because Rory gets mad at him over it AND he apologizes! No! When you let a lie go on for THAT long, you CAN’T be mad about the way it’s exposed.

Why this plot is even necessary at all??? You just let me know.

Cursed Plot #10: Sookie Pregnancy #3

Again, abortion is okay, people!!!

To be honest, the weird, Mom-esque way Sookie ordered Jackson to get a vasectomy the day she gave birth to their second child always rubbed me the wrong way; it’s just not a caring way to have that conversation. However, Jackson absolutely SHOULD have gotten the vasectomy — it’s way less invasive + expensive than birth control or getting your tubes tied. I just think ordering your partner around is a bad look. Idk tho, maybe I’m biased — I have countless other beefs with Sookie, i.e., the way every surface of the Dragonfly kitchen is perennially covered with glistening, out of season produce and there are no work surfaces.

Cursed Plot #11: Creepy Swim Instructor

Luke gets inappropriately touched (IMO) during a swim lesson from April’s swim coach and then they go on a date and she’s, surprise, cuckoo. I just don’t need this. I would only need this swim lesson plotline if, again, Luke and Lorelai were together and it caused a bit of strife for a day. Oh, what’s that? Lorelai is at home watching TV on her plasma flatscreen with Christopher? Right, it’s season 7 and everything is CURSED.

Cursed Plot #12: Wordless, Physical Fight Between Christopher and Luke

The absolute hilarity of Christopher ripping off his skinny scarf and throwing it to the ground as he charges Luke aside, this was kind of lazy and weird of the writers to do. Like, oh, did you need proof there’s tension here? Here you go, we’ll have them fight each other in the town square and knock down Christmas decorations. And then it’s not even interesting — like, no one sees (what if Rory had been there, for example??), and there are basically no consequences. It’s only mentioned again in passing when Lorelai and Christopher are fighting about the Luke letter later on, like, “here I even fought the dude.” OK, cool.

Cursed Plot #13: Richard Heart Attack

This plot itself isn’t exactly cursed, it’s more about everything that goes along with it, and, again, it just feels like a device to get Lorelai and Luke to interact. I like what it does for Emily, and how it leads to Emily / Lorelai time as they sort out some of Richard’s business stuff, but other than that, it gets a giant thumbs down. Christopher has taken off because he’s convinced he’s Lorelai’s second choice (uh, hello, you are), and it’s never really explained why he can’t check voicemail and get to the hospital. Then, when he finally shows up (I think after 2 days??), he has a hissy over Luke being there with food. Cue the skip-ahead-10-seconds button.

Contrarily, Logan arrived right away via helicopter (I don’t remember if he’s living in London or New York at this point) and is all like, it’s nothing, where else would I be but here for you??? Basically it’s to drive home how much this shit sucks for Lorelai. I know that Gilmore girls’ MO is that there’s always a parallel happening between some combination of Emily / Lorelai / Rory, and this is one of those — but does that make me like this plot? No.

Cursed Plot #14: Rory’s Crusade to Get a NYT Fellowship That Only 4 People in the Country Will Get

Tbh this is pretty much classic Rory, but it’s still fucking annoying. She applies for this insanely competitive 6-week unpaid internship at the New York Times, then, amid other resumé-sending, interviews for a newspaper job in Providence that she wants sooo badly until the moment it’s actually offered to her. She does pro/cons and has this great line regarding the city of Providence: “What’s even going on there?”

It’s less her desire for more (the fellowship) that bothers me than it is the way I feel like she, time and time again, values prestige over all else. IMO, she wants the fellowship because she likes the idea of having something so few people can have.

So, with the encouragement of fan favorite Logan (401Ks aren’t that important when you’re 22, Ace!), she decides to say no to the Providence job because she wants the fellowship more. I knew practically NO ONE who was offered a job halfway through their senior year of college, but, silly me, Rory is special. (I also don’t get why she can’t say yes to the job until hearing about the fellowship for sure?? Which — in a surprise to no one — she doesn’t get.)

Also — we all know if Rory DIDN’T get the Providence job, she would’ve been devastated. Classic!

Cursed Plot #15: Hay Bale Maze Apology

This brief scene gets a spotlight here because it’s an easy way for me to explain one of my bigger issues with this season, which is that Luke is often completely personality-less. I don’t really get if it’s a writing issue or an acting issue or both, but Luke often is just blandly saying things and doing things — it seldom feels like he’s truly the Luke I knew in all the previous seasons, and who was always my favorite character by far. This season, I’m constantly bored by him.

In the Hay Bale scene, Lorelai starts out by finally admitting that sleeping with Christopher was fucked up, and apologizes for hurting Luke. To this speech, Luke looks more like a proud / touched dad than a spurned lover being reminded of one of his lowest moments. He then does his own dry apology speech, starting off by saying he’s “learned a lot” with April — have we seen what those lessons are? — and admits he operated under flawed thinking when he thought he couldn’t commit to Lorelai while figuring out his relationship with April (fair). But he then literally uses the word “compartmentalizing” and says that he “used April to push Lorelai away.” ??? I really don’t buy this, and feel like it’s a major mis-read by this writing team of what happened last season. But more importantly, it’s all so damn neat — it just doesn’t feel like a real conversation these two would have, though Lauren Graham sells it way more than Scott Patterson does (but, Luke’s lines are less believable).

The moment I felt like I finally saw the Real Luke was way late in the season, when he goes with Lorelai to help her pick out a new car and they end up bickering. After their argument, he goes out of his way to find a used Jeep with a working engine that can be put into Lorelai’s old car, a solution he of course thinks is ridiculous but went through the motions to figure out anyway because he knew it’s what she’d want. The way he shows up at her door to tell her all this, and the subsequent argument about putting lights and a horn on her bike in the meantime — well, we might as well have been transported back to blessed season 5.

Cursed Plot #16: Logan Proposal

uggggg. Remember what I said about baby and marriage? Well, we’re back. Emily and Richard throw a tasteful little (crowded) cocktail party the night before Rory’s graduation and, after they give a toast to Rory, Logan takes the metaphorical mic and proposes to Rory in front of everyone. Oh, it’s so bad. Bad bad bad. I was waiting for Lorelai to create some kind of diversion (why didn’t she???), but, eventually Rory asks Logan to come outside with her.

Aside from the obvious issue — child bride — there are a few icks with this plotline: first, Logan asks Lorelai’s permission a few days beforehand. Yike. Then, when Lorelai tells Christopher about it, he goes, “Usually it’s the dad who’s asked. Not that you don’t deserve to be asked. Just, something else I missed.” UGH, enOUGh, Christopher!! But the thing I really hate comes in the little convo Logan and Rory have outside; the first thing Logan says is, “I got the Silicon Valley job.” Great, so, you’re saying you proposed first, in a public setting where she is pressured to say yes, and THEN shared this major life change with her, like she’d now be forced to go with you? It’s just a gross and frankly manipulative vibe. Finally, when Rory wisely staves Logan off and goes to Lorelai for advice, I don’t looove the way Lorelai flat out refuses to share what she thinks at all. I mean, this is Rory, and also, she is still three years away from a fully formed prefrontal cortex; it’s not hard to say something vague like, “22 sure is young!”

Cursed Plot #17: Where Is Jess?

Or even Dean? And don’t get me wrong — Dean can eat dirt for all I care! But is there a reason these two appear in nary an episode? This is the show’s final season, after all, and the entire town ends up throwing Rory a going-away-party — there’s plenty of opportunity to write them in quick for a lil goodbye.

I find it interesting annoying that Rory’s *adulterous* visit to Jess in Season 6 literally never comes up this season — because don’t get me wrong, though I despise curses, I love drama!

Jess also was basically responsible for shaking Rory awake during the Entitlement Years and getting her back into Yale, so it would feel appropriate for him to acknowledge her graduation and maybe for her to thank him?

Ok, how are we doing? Do you need to burn some sage? Frankly, so do I. For a palate cleanser, allow me to introduce…

Moments that Make Season 7 Worth Watching (aka Sage Sprigs)

Also known as, “skip the first 14 episodes and you’ll be better off.”

Sage Sprig #1: Rory Gilmore

This one really surprised me. After the Entitlement Years, I wasn’t expecting to ever like Rory again, and it was nice to be wrong. She’s often the voice of reason this season, advising Lorelai to take things slowly with Christopher (lol) and, in some cases, appropriately pushing back on Lorelai’s decisions and making her disapproval clear. She has a lot of great moments in general, and I especially liked when she does a takedown of Logan when he shows up unannounced at a wedding after they have a fight, telling him she won’t be impressed by his grand gestures anymore. Go Rory!! (Am I, for the sake of this sprig, ignoring your making-fun-of-rich-person-privilege-while-ignoring-your-own-privilege article and the cringey way you told Logan about your crush on a TA? Yes.)

Also? It’s a good season for her in terms of hair.

Sage Sprig #2: Emily / Lorelai / Rory Trip to NC for Mia’s Wedding

This was also where the Logan takedown occurs, so it’s a great episode in my book. I like the way it explores what it meant for Lorelai to leave home at 16, not just from her POV, but also from Emily’s, and from Mia’s, who took care of Lorelai yet is gracious and deferential to Emily. I also love to see these GG’s on a road trip and Emily being enticed to stay for a movie at the motel upon hearing it stars Will Smith.

Sage Sprig #3: Karaoke Night

This is one of those scenes that really uses the townspeople well. You’ve got Miss Patty and Babette performing a Cabaret, you’ve got Kurt karaoking, you’ve got these funny Lorelai lines:
L: Ah, I must be drunk because he sounds pretty good.

R: Well, get those pipes warmed up cuz you’re on deck!

L, distressed: I can’t follow Kirk, he can really sing!

Lorelai then does a charming af performance of I Will Always Love You, which starts out as a Rory sendoff and ends up, when Luke walks in, a teary-eyed serenade. And it plays. It really plays. This sprig is followed by:

Sage Sprig #4: Lauren Graham’s Acting

I know I already brought this up, but. This woman really is worth watching.

Sage Sprig #5: An Acoustic Guitar Rendition of Celine Dion’s My Heart Will Go On

This is reluctantly played by Zack during Chin Chin’s funeral, a plotline I don’t care about but for some reason I liked this guitar bit, it had like a springy medieval England vibe.

Sage Sprig #6: This One Thing That Paris Says

I basically leave Paris alone, in terms of my attitude toward her — I just let her do her thing and do my best to ignore it. But she says something very sage to Rory as the two of them are parsing through how much they let their boyfs factor in to their decisions for their future. Rory doesn’t understand why Paris would break up with Doyle over this, so Paris says, “Okay, let’s say you get the NYT Fellowship, and Logan’s meetings go well and he gets the job in San Francisco. Do you move to San Francisco? Or do you go to the NYT?” Rory says, “The NYT.” “Okay,” Paris says, “So we’re saying the same thing. Your career is your priority, over your relationship.”

I feel like without this conversation, Rory might’ve been more tempted by Logan’s proposal, but the fact that she had to put it into words ahead of time made a big difference.

Sage Sprig #7: This One Thing That Jackson Says

In what would otherwise be a cursed plotline, Christopher and Jackson go for beers as part of an attempt on Lorelai’s part to raise Christopher’s favor with the town (I can’t believe I’m actually typing that). It’s obvious Jackson doesn’t like this dude (Amen brother), and in conversation, he pointedly uses farming as a metaphor for marriage. “You know what I love about farming? The commitment. No shortcuts, no quitting. You have got to be there for your crops. I mean you can have the greatest soil, perfect seeds, but if you are not 100% committed, you might as well pave over those 32 acres and build yourself a strip mall, you know what I mean?”

Sage Sprig #8: Rory Going-Away-Party Organized by Luke

The tent he sews in the middle of the night when he learns it’s going to rain 😭. I also love this line we get from Richard, which basically sums up my own feelings about this plot: “This party is really a testament to you, Lorelai. It takes a remarkable person to inspire all of this.”

Sage Sprig #9: Lorelai / Rory Moments Toward the End

They hit. They really do.

Wow, we made it through all of my material!

My main takeaway here — just to beat a dead horse — is that this season is ruined by Lorelai and Luke being apart the wholleeee timeeeee. Their chemistry is one of the main reasons people watched the show, and their estrangement means that the writing staff has to lean way more heavily on secondary characters that we don’t care an ounce about just to fill time. (I don’t CARE that Liz and TJ’s house has moths!!!)

Any thoughts??? Leave em below, but otherwise this has been —

xxx your twin flame